#By making longass posts that are just me doing word vomit

[monochromatic-heartzz]

There's a part of Sampo's character that is easily overlooked. And that part is easily summed up with this one line

"Epsilon? What fun can you get out of a giant vanity fair like that? True happiness always entails the dignity of mankind. Now that's a quote i live by."

I get why more people don't talk about it, we're more focused on other aspects of his character, and that's alright.

However. It's a very important line.

To give a little bit of a "context". Epsilon, from all we've seen, is a star system of "easy pleasures". Entertainment industry, if you will. Many actors, movies, music, etc, comes from there. It's sort of like a hollywood.

Add on to this that the World's End Tavern is in Epsilon, aka, Masked Fools gather in Epsilon due to its easy ways to obtain Elation. Even the concept of the Tavern itself is an easy joy card. Getting drunk and watching fights could be many people's cheap way to obtain Elation.

And Sampo doesn't like that.

He believes Elation should be obtained after hard work. Through endurance and hope, not by cheapishly making whatever and hoping that is your reason for happiness.

Having small pleasures isn't wrong, but pretending it's the key to happiness is. Because it's not true happiness. It's a temporary substitute.

Elation needs to have purpose.

This. Is mainly why he loves Belobog so much. They've persisted so long. 700 years of hoping for a better tomorrow. And when they do finally get it, it's the best payoff they could've gotten. A nice "happy ending" to this story full of tragedy.

Now. This is a strange thing. Because, despite being a (probably retired) Masked Fool, his ideas of Elation align quite a bit with that of the Mourning Actors.

I think Sampo sees value in both sides of the coin. But he doesn't completely agree with both of their views of Elation. His path of Elation is his alone, he walks it by himself. Actually, everyone sees Elation differently. This is just his way of expressing his own ideas.

I love Sampo Koski can we get more lore on him please

[mollymooon]

yesterday was my first day on Adderall. I took half a pill at 11 am and it took about a half hour to kick in. it made me so hyped and social. like I kept texting people and posting word vomits on instagram. I was trying to be mindful and not blow up my friend’s phone, but it was hard to restrain myself. and I also journaled way more than usual. it just really upped my output and made me want to write a lot. which is great since I usually really struggle to put my thoughts into words and express myself. I overthink how to answer texts and even just putting my thoughts down while journaling is a huge struggle, like to the point of bottling up my feelings all the time

it also made me want to speak french. I was so close to hitting up someone on discord to vc in french haha

I was curious to see how it affected my language skills. I watched a vlog in french and I usually have the french subtitles on just so I don’t miss anything. but they were bothering me this time, so I turned them off and realized I didn’t need them at all. I could understand everything perfectly fine. it made me realized that I was just using subs as a safety net and haven’t actually needed them for years now since my french is tip-top 👌

I was also able to read a lot faster. I’m usually such a slow reader, but it just made me zoom, it was so great. and I tried reading in chinese just for fun and I could read everything (whereas I usually have to think about the pronunciation), but I couldn’t understand anything. and looking up words was so annoying whereas I usually don’t mind it. I just wanted to read without slowing myself down by looking up words and checking my understanding. so maybe it’s not the best for language learning, but it’s amazing for my confidence. I was like hell yeah I can read in chinese haha

it also made me want to chew on things? so I had some gummy worms that I keep on hand for when I’m high. and I’m chewing gum and sucking on lozenges today, which really helps

and in terms of productivity, it kinda helped. I spent the first half hour doing my japanese flashcards on anki and it really got me into a flow. but that’s not really what I’m supposed to be doing. honestly I just want to use it to study Japanese for 6 hours a day and become fluent lol. but no, I need to do job applications and it sucks. I think I just need to pay attention to putting my energy in the right direction and not get sidetracked by language learning. maybe I’ll use it on the weekend for japanese and just try to focus exclusively on applications during the week

I felt like crashing at around 4 pm, so I took the other half and it lasted me until about 9 pm. in which time I managed to do one longass application, edit a blog post and work on the printable I’m making. and it was pretty effortless, I didn’t feel the usual resistance in my brain, I was just able to get shit done. so I went from 1.5 productive hours to 3+ hours and hopefully it’ll go up from there. and the main thing is that I went from doing 0 applications to 1, which is a huge win!

[gonebyionnalee]

this is a big longass (i’m talking more than 2000 words) serious post so sorry mobile users and content warning for child sexual abuse etc

okay so for context i don’t know how many people were active in the same communities as me 3? 4/5? years ago on here but long story short there was a trans woman called whitney (mentioning she’s trans because it becomes relevant later since i want to talk about why the trans community at large is terrible with this kind of subject) who was well known and popular, to cut to the point she turned out to be a pedophile who groomed multiple underaged people (mostly women and trans men) like between 13 - 15 as a grownass adult and sexually harassed a few other people of various (including legal) ages. also had rape allegations attached to her name which obviously you can’t quantify with facebook chat screenshots but you know not going to suddenly get flakey about rape charges against somebody who is quite literally grooming children

her url was purplefridge and the medium for getting her expunged from the community was callout posts because let’s be real if you have concrete evidence that somebody has attempted to groom/molest you and they’re active on tumblr, you’re going to post about it on tumblr. i’ve had to do that, multiple people have had to do that on here, in a self governing online community that is largely how things are going to happen. if people want to see the posts just go into tagged/purplefridge but also somebody for whatever reason posted a dick in that tag years ago so um you know. look out for that

and in moments after that largely she joked about it and tried to cover her ass by telling people (notably people i’m friends with) that it wasn’t that bad but after the like 4th or 5th post she hightailed it, deleted her blog and sent multiple people (talking in the 10′s and 20′s here) the same copypaste cookie cutter apology and in the years after that she managed to continue life as normal on twitter, still active in the soundcloud/furry/trans communities as if nothing had happened and cultivating social clout like a normal human with the @ polistae

i’d wanted to tell people in the past (2ish years ago) that she was that person, and just because somebody seemingly isn’t doing that now, doesn’t mean they aren’t a rapist and child abuser. the event is a large black mark on my brain and despite never having been in direct contact with her (mutual friends is how we knew each other and while i was underaged at the time she didn’t groom me), the feeling of having to cut people out of your life because, for whatever reason, they decided to remain friends with somebody who is quite literally once again a rapist and child abuser because “i have hope she’ll change” or “she told me it wasn’t that bad” or “i want to keep an eye on her” is quite literally vomit enduing. whenever i tried tweeting about it i felt like my head was going to explode (i did tell her to kill herself in traffic at one point though which was gratifying). like when people know incredibly personal things about you and your history with child sexual violence and rape during your teenage years, yeah, that hurts lol

and for whatever reason the topic of her existing and being a piece of shit came up semi recently (this week), a friend of mine linked to the posts on here for context and we had a back and forth in the replies (as she did with other people who were there and had to deal with it) and it gets a few notes from people who are disgusted (you know like any human with basic morals would be) then flash forward a few days later some hack furry soundcloud musician who makes DJ paypal ripoffs is screenshotting our tweets and encouraging people to dogpile us because we’re ~problematic~ or whatever (for context i did make a joke about soundcloud trannies but literally if you’re focusing your energy on a trans woman saying a word that she’s allowed to use and unbothered by the literal rapist you are clearly, utterly, brain dead) and then gets in my mentions and starts accusing me of a multitude of different things as to why i’m talking about something i happened to see somebody else talking about it like i suddenly made the decision to bring up something from four years ago for fun like. literally not expunging the energy with a limit of 280 characters or less having to coddle a grown adult man who needs to be told that “rape and child abuse is bad and not something that stops being abhorrent after 4 years”

and while not directly interacting with me, i had to see tweets from various people calling it “bringing up past drama” and the whole deluge into people changing and it being outright lies etc

and it’s just

like i really can’t fucking stand how idiotic some people are about this subject which i guess is why i’m writing the nihon shoki of child sex abusers here. like people calling things like this purely because it happened through tumblr as a medium “callout culture” like no fucking shit they made a giant post about it, it’s the fastest way to get somebody out of a community with hard evidence. 13 - 15 year olds coming forward about being literally groomed by a pedophile is in no way comparable to people making posts about people doing things they personally find objectionable. like, literally if somebody is a rapist and child sex abuser to boot, why would it stop being a relevant fact about them after 4 years? why shouldn’t it be public knowledge be it tumblr post or not? i don’t see you calling for the abolition of sex offenders registers so why are you harassing people for bringing up the fact that somebody just migrated communities and tried to obscure the fact she is, again, quite literally a rapist and a pedophile

and like i mentioned before in the first paragraph that’s about 3 miles away now, there’s a specific problem with this in LGBT online communities (not gonna talk about furries because let’s be real as a community they’re responsible for god not talking to us anymore) specifically transgender. like i see so much of this stuff from trans women specifically defending other trans women because they believe they’re infallible except only when confronted by other trans women. like i remember a while ago i think it was aquila talking about sexual harassment from a trans woman and some bitch tried to accuse her of “contributing to the stereotype that trans women are sex abusers perpetrated by cis people” like ????

it’s impossible to have a serious discussion about sex abuse and assault in the trans community because, at large, the community has a problem with sanctimonious white women who’re only friends with other sanctimonious white women (i’m mentioning race despite being white myself because i mean it like a lot of them are racist even if they don’t know it and talk too much about things they shouldn’t but do anyway because they think being trans puts them at the very bottom of some kind of hypothetical social ladder). like somebody comes forward with a story about sexual harassment from a specific person who happens to be trans and you get a bunch of Those People talking about them perpetuating stereotypes despite this being a literal event that happened to them

same with the whitney thing like we (small friend group of mine) were talking about it in our group chat and then some trans woman who was apart of it just up and leaves and today, we see he having a laugh and a jape with her like she didn’t find out hours before that the person she’s friends with is a rapist.

firsthand i’ve seen a lot of things from trans women who think that they’re untouchable because they have the label of “trans woman” and fall back on that as a get out of jail free card like they can’t be racist or classist or even themselves be criticised for sexual misconduct

and the sexual misconduct thing is literally perpetuated like a normal thing like all of those posts that get circulated around about how all trans women flirt with each other and share nudes like, no, if i don’t know you and you try to talk to me like that you’re a creep and need to fuck off. like a lot of my friends who’re trans women have experiences with people they don’t know trying to share nudes or outright start aggressively flirting

like i’m aware this is kind of all over the place towards the end and it might be hard to understand if you’re not apart of the trans community or you’re trans and haven’t experiences this yourself firsthand or been told by others about similar things but, really as a community we have a problem with allowing people who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about lead discussions about identity politics and also thinking that people who’re sexual harasses ranging from “just doesn’t know what appropriateness is” to “preys on minors” to “literal rapist” walk free and interact with people like a normal human because of weird belies that only other trans women are allowed to confront other trans women about things they do (and also as much as i hate to say it some people like the people on mine and my friends cases the other day, just don’t care and consider anybody bringing stuff up from the past or because it happened on tumblr drama-whores or whatever)

like another example is during the whole dog mom escapade (yes the woman who wanted to fuck dogs and her girlfriend who dated somebody in the past who fucked a dog, and regularly interacted with her gf’s blog about wanting to fuck dogs) i had people try to accuse me of using her trans status to get people to (heh) dogpile on her and somebody go on a “you shouldn’t bring this stuff up to a crowd of largely cis people because people have a habit of persecuting minorities moreso than people with privilege and people might mock her for being trans!” rant at me to which i just responded with “i don’t care”. like she wants to fuck dogs nobody cares if she has a dick or not they just want her away from them because she wants to fuck dogs. this isn’t complex.

like, again as a community, we really need to do better. and outside of that back to the original epoch of this longass post, what the fuck is wrong with people (both cis and trans) who’re willing to excuse literal rape and child sexual abuse because it happened a while ago or because they have some perverse sense of loyalty to an online friend

and again sorry to kind of just. write a herculean passage of text and i know the stuff about the trans community failing in regards to that in mine and others experiences maybe might be hard to follow if you aren’t aware of what i’m talking about (maybe? we’ll see) but yeah i’ve had this on my mind for a while. having to see people excuse that kind of shit and outright try to start drama with you and others is, obviously, very strenuous

idk i feel being gay/trans exposes you to a lot of angels but also a lot of terrible people, online communities that’re self governed can go to shit incredibly fast if somebody with enough social notoriety is crafty enough (case in point monetizeyourcat) and enough people are willing to take their side for whatever obtuse reasons 

also i checked there’s literally around 2000 words here so again thank you if you read the whole thing and i’m sorry for the really fucking grim subject matter that seems to crop up a fucking lot in online communities, but again, lot of thoughts, this is a way to expunge them from my head so i can go play dangan ronpa without having a literal dark cloud over me. blessed thursdays everyone <3

[so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

I was tagged by @londonfoginacup who is always enabling me to share more of my fic

1. List of works published this year:

I didn’t think I published any but 2017 was longer than I remembered (this Cupid!fic has taken over my brain) and I actually finished 3. Ish.

Let’s be alone together And they call it puppy love All the ways to say ‘I love you’

I’m saying ish because all the ways to say I love you is a drabble thing that I thought I’d keep writing on while I was doing other things and HAHAHAHA.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

It has to be LBAT because I started that fic in 2013 and well. Look where we are. I never would’ve finished it if it weren’t for @almostdarkobject and it taught me that I can write more than I thought I could and also finish a fic before uploading it. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

None because all writing is good writing even when it’s bad writing

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

That’s like asking me to pick one of my favorite children (spoiler alert I do not have any children). So I decided to pick this moment because I think it’s very important that people realize that you can always redefine yourself and figuring yourself out can be an unending process and that’s all ok!

Liam opens his mouth to protest that, then bites his lip. He had thought of Zayn. Of the way he’d smile at him, tongue pressed to the back of his teeth. Of how everything had seemed less scary when Zayn’s shoulder bumped into his. “I’m just. We’ve never. I don’t have Zayn.” It sounds a bit hollow.

“But you like him, yeah?” Louis prompts softly.

“Well, yeah. Sure I do. He’s-”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s been a great friend. I’ve heard that. That’s wonderful, Li. But I’ve never seen you go starry eyed over Nialler. And unless you’re talking about me like I’ve personally hung up the moon and decorated the sky with stars, he’s not a friend in the way that I’m your friend.” Liam can’t really protest that, as much as he wants to. He loves Louis, there’s no doubt about that. But not in the way he loves Zayn. He doesn’t think he loves anyone in the way he loves Zayn.

“I’m not gay though,” he almost whispers it, so soft he’s not sure Louis has even heard it. He’s not sure he wouldn’t prefer that, if he’s honest.

“I’m not saying you are, love,” Louis’ voice sounds patient. “You don’t need to label yourself. You don’t even need to know exactly what it is you’re feeling. Just as long as you know that whatever you feel, it’s ok. It’d be ok if you did consider Zayn to be more than just a mate.”

Liam swallows, looks up at him. “It is?”

Louis nods, wraps his arms around him. “Yeah, Li. It’s alright. Whatever you feel, it’s always alright, yeah? Feelings are never wrong. They’re confusing and frustrating sometimes, but you always have the right to feel what you feel, yeah? No one gets to tell you that you can’t. Just because you’ve never liked boys before doesn’t mean that you can’t. Doesn’t mean that you can’t like Zayn. And even if you’ll never like boys again, that doesn’t make the way you feel right now any less valid.”

“Feels weird,” he hums, looking up at Louis. “Like. I never thought of myself as, y’know. I mean you’ve been with girls but you’ve always told me that you weren’t really in love. That you just weren’t ready to admit that you wanted to be with a boy instead.”

Louis looks somewhat amused. “Yea, but, Li, I’m gay. Liking Zayn doesn’t necessarily make you gay. You know that, right? That there’s more than just gay and straight. The way you felt for Dani was real, right? So maybe you’re bisexual. Or pansexual. Or maybe it doesn’t matter what you identify as. It just matters that you like him.”

Hearing it like this, it’s sort of soothing, in a way. Makes him feel settled. “I do,” he admits, wondering if maybe it should feel like a more momentous occasion. His very first crush on a boy. It doesn’t feel so scary though. Not unless he allows himself to think about the fact that Zayn is no longer a part of his life. Or that his silly crush might be unrequited. “Quite a lot, if I’m honest.”

He gets a hug from Louis in response, a kiss to the top of his head. “Alright then. So now that we’ve established that you quite fancy Zayn, what are we going to do about it?”

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

OK so technically this is a comment from 2015 but it’s on the fic I finished this year so I find that it still counts. It’s a comment that hit me where it hurt but in the best ways. I’ve really struggled with the lack of visibility in fandom (feeling as though I’m writing for no one) as well as massive physical issues. This one comment is one I still think of at times. I wish I could hug this person for writing those wonderful words and I hope they know they made my existence better.

Your writing is just, suberb. And I don't know if your thumb / elbow (arm??) still hurts, but I hope it got better! And the fact that you might have written it while you were in pain, that's just, amazing. I don't know why people aren't commenting because WOW, you are just.

(Don't tell anyone I said this but -- you write better than some people who are super duper famous (as in other fans) IN MY OPINION OFC.)

I really hope you don't get discouraged in writing just because no one is commenting because YOU can write, and you don't need anyone telling you that you can because this is something you should remember that it's for yourself, not others (: !

I hope you're doing alright and will continue to write despite the lack of comments. You are amazing, and I'd be so so sad if you didn't write anymore.

You're one of the only authors, I feel, that are really unqiue with their ideas and just, the way you write and how you contine to write despite no one's comments, I'm just so proud of you, and so happy you're in this world, living, breathing, being HAPPY.

I am in love with you (just the to tiniest bit...just kidding -- a WHOLE CRAP TON) and your writing inspires me to write more and not care if people comment or kudos, because you reminded me that writing is to make me happy, that's its for me, and not anybody else.

Just, thank you. For existing, for writing despite the odds put against you.

You are so, so brave and lovely, I am so glad to have found you and read your works.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

All the time. But more specifically, after my forever cat died and I had to pick it back up. I wrote her into the story and I bawled. Unsurprisingly. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Hm. Well. See. I have a vague sense of where I’m going and where I want to end up but everything in between is just word vomit sooo..

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I learned that I can write long fic. I also learned that I grossly underestimate how verbose I am and that 80k is not enough to write a fic in when I’ve been thinking about it for four years. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

Man I just hope to finish my fic and that people will like it. I’m 133k deep into a fic that I’m literally expecting one person to read so it’d be fabulous if I was proven wrong and I am happy to grow and accept my being wrong!

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Holy shit ok so this is where I gush about my undying love for @londonfoginacup is it? I mean, what can I say?? None of this would’ve happened if it weren’t for her. She’s been reading along with me and helping me and also being a generally amazing person who sends great Christmas cards and who will be rewarded with a care package when I finish this fic because I adore you so effin much and this whole fic is for you. 

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

My cat died and showed up in Cupid heaven where Louis petted her and told her everything would be ok. 

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Don’t post any WIPs. Finish writing before you upload. Get someone to read along with you if you’re heavily dependent on outsider input. Just. Don’t upload a WIP and then abandon it for four years. Never let Zayn leave the band and kill your muse. 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Cupid!Larry. As @londonfoginacup said: 2018 is the year of Cupid!Larry. 

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read.

If anyone hasn’t done this yet and wants to, consider yourself tagged because after this longass trip to memory lane (told you I was verbose) my brain is pooped.